Tried to end the new year with a bang. Hubby pulled me into our room and started the action and couldn't finish. I don't know if its booze or me or what. But I know that it feels like its me. He's fine when I'm on my knees and its just about him. Yet almost every time we try to do anything it falls flat. I just know what that feels like as a wife. It's very empty.
I'm a big ball of insecurity right now. I start my new job tomorrow and am a little nervous. But my insecurities seem to be with my husband right now. And they seem to be getting worse. Last night he told me that he wanted to get me some heels for Christmas. I was and still am so excited. He had to tall me because he wasn't sure of my shoe size. He guessed a full size bigger. Why he didn't just go look in the closet I don't know. Somehow today I'm just a nervous wreck. His phone is sitting outside and I always wonder if its so I don't hear it ring. I've made it a choice to not go snooping. The last time I slightly snooped I found something I didn't want to know. Over and over again I feel like something bad is happening. I HATE being this girl. My last relationship I wasn't jealous or insecure at all. With my husband I'm the biggest wreck all the time. I need to calm down. I need to have faith and trust. I need to believe him. I'm a 35 year old woman with a baby. Why on earth are my emotions playing me like a jealous high schooler? I want my life to work this time. I need to make this work. I want my elated feelings from last night back. Somehow I'm also terrified that my inlaws don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm making it up in my head but its a fear. My ex father in law called me the devil before I married his son and said I had brainwashed him. When we divorced he said he realized it wasn't my fault and he loved me. The next guy I dated I still think his dad didn't like me. His dad married his mom after a divorce and his parents had always regarded it badly so I always thought that his dad thought less of me because I was divorced. And I came very close to marrying his son. I'm sure his parents are much happier with his wife now. But that feeling alone has led me to being insecure that my in laws now must not like me. That and I'm terrified that they will think I'm a bad mom.
I'm home today with the little guy. Start my new job next week. I'm realizing how much I miss having friends. I have a few acquaintances still but no one I would really say is my friend. No one to go lunch with or shop with or do girls stuff with. In realizing this its made me feel kind of empty today. My husband and I need to make some couple friends or something.
I want to give away everything my little guy has outgrown. But I want to give it to someone that really needs it. It's much harder to find than I thought possible. My son is in his 6 month clothes and pushing into 9 months and I was given so much for him. I want to return the favor.
I am feeling a very deep depression starting to sink in. I'm losing all the feelings of needing to do anything. I fight with my husband all the time about girls texting and calling. I'm always super suspicious. Our relationship wasn't a relationship until shortly after I found out I was pregnant so the trust, etc that builds over the years isn't there yet. I'm trying really hard. He teases a lot. Which is something I don't always handle well. Well I've caught myself caring less about he's doing with his phone. If I wanna go to bed then I'm just going. I do everything I can for my little guy. Otherwise I'm just drifting. If it wasn't for him I'd be on bed for most of the day. I think my office telling me to leave when I gave notice just pushed me over an edge. I just want to cry and sleep.